Boldly go

Feeling 33

I loooooove hanging things on our walls. It's one of the greatest perks of being in our own apartment (and not sharing it with anyone). I've always liked to have pictures of loved ones, favorite things, favorite quotes around my place to remind me of the good things in life. My hubby has been the biggest supporter of this obsession - er, preference, using our stud finder, drill and leveler like a pro to hang massive antique-looking mirrors, wedding portraits, and shadowboxes. (Is there anything this guy can't do??)
Wall decor is one of the best things to make our place feel like HOME, and since we have so much wall space, and thanks to Pinterest, I'm always looking at things to add.

I found a small chalkboard in a vintage-looking frame at Target (yay, Dollar Spot! Another obsession...). I love how chalkboards seem to have made such a comeback in the design trend. We used one in our engagement session as a prop with our wedding date on it, which was the first time I'd ever used chalk markers. It turned out so cute, but the markers don't work on porous surfaces (which lots of chalkboards that I've found are). So, we still have the chalkboard with our wedding date on it, since it won't wipe off completely. Not wanting the same thing to happen to this frame, I picked up a small box of Crayola sidewalk chalk. Oh, man has chalk changed since I was a kid! The variety of colors is amazing, and the colors are gorgeous - and there's something SO FUN about drawing with chalk. It brought me back to being five-years-old and drawing on my art easel in our art studio. The final image isn't as clear / sharp as with chalk markers, but at least it's not permanent.

I was trying to think of an uplifting, quirky quote to put in the frame, and since my hubby's affection for Star Trek has rubbed off on me, I thought the juxtaposition of the old-fashioned frame with this "futuristic" quote was cute.

Now I need to find another project with which to use my chalk! Or I guess I could just go draw in our parking lot...

Feeling 33

It's now 33 days until my birthday, and honestly, I've been a little apprehensive about that number. Although I know that age is only a number, this number in particular seems more fit for mothers of three or two children; or women who have made significant progress in their careers, or have accumulated multiple degrees. And then there's me - a childless newlywed who's still growing in her profession. Since accepting myself and "owning my story" are two of the things I've been working on, I've decided to take these days leading up to my birthday to find ways to not only recognize who I am, but to celebrate life. I'm calling this little endeavor "Feeling 33" (like the line in the Taylor Swift song - or "Tay Tay" as my husband calls her -  "I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22").
Let project Feeling 33 commence!

Mamah and me

Maybe it was from my obsession with Jane Austen films. Maybe it was something my nickname-creating littlest sister came up with, and it just stuck. Whatever caused it, at one point I began calling my mother "Ma-MAH" on occasion. Mom and I always had a very close, special relationship. Even when I was a "moody teenager", my mom was one of my favorite people to spend time with, and as I grew older, the facet of friends was added to the Mother/Daughter facet of our relationship.

While there is still a great deal about life that I am still learning, one thing I do know is that it never turns out the way you expect. That's why it isn't completely difficult to believe that my mother and I both had our weddings in the same year.

At my mom's wedding reception - August 2014

With Mamah on my wedding day - September 2014 (photo by livehappystudio.com)

After all, it's the unexpected, unorthodox experiences that tends to make life sweet. And then there are the moments when you're stressed to the max (and you have so many stress hives, your body seems to have turned into one huge hive), feeling anxious and worried, and you wish that things would just be "normal" and "typical" and that you could just step in the footprints of all of those that have tread the same path before you...

..but my path seems to always be off the beaten path...


















Maybe it would be "easier" to have a more "typical" life, but I couldn't help thinking as I talked to my mom on the phone today, how, for lack of a better word, COOL it was that we we're now both in similar periods of our lives. There may be thirty-something years between us, but we're both going through the same kind of transition - as newlywed brides.

If you have ever told the 13-year-old me that LOVED Jane Austen romances, how my life would be two decades later and all of the things I would experience, I probably would find it hard to believe. But I love my story - because it's mine, after all!

And I love my mamah.

Magic Backstage

It is now 132 days that we've been married (says the countdown app on my phone). It's crazy to believe that this time last year we were in the midst of planning our wedding, and now we're already over 4 months in. It's crazy. And wonderful. Life is fabulous.

This morning I received an email from TheKnot.com, asking for our engagement story and ring details. "Cool!" I thought. "Maybe I can use it for a blog post later after I tell TheKnot all about it!" Turns out, they didn't want me to tell them our proposal story in my own words, they just wanted me to fill out a survey...which I did anyway because it entered me in a contest for a $200 gift card. But it totally got me thinking that I should blog about our proposal story because it's just so...us. And I've been meaning for a while to update the ol' blog. So, for all of you out there in the blogosphere, this is the engagement story of Matt and Adele.

For those who unfamiliar with our story, it's very much a chick flick formula: boy and girl meet, boy likes girl, girl's been hurt so she hesitates returning boy's affections, boy and girl are good friends, boy and girl fall in love. Seriously, if Nora Ephron were still alive, I'm sure she'd want the rights to our story (may she rest in peace). Since we were such good friends for so long, both of us knew that the relationship would eventually lead to marriage once we got together. As scary as it was to realize, it was after the first month that we both began thinking about the "M word".

As much as we knew that we were in it for the long haul, we weren't rushing into an engagement. Even with the holidays coming and the questions coming in of "Is he giving you a ring for Christmas??" we both focused on being committed to each other, and doing things when it was right for us.

So imagine my surprise when I had a sparkly ring on my finger that December 31st.

 Both of us were working that New Year's Eve, as was the norm for those in the theme park business. Matt finished up a couple of hours before I did, so he came to hang out with me until my shift was done, then we both planned to head up to my mom's to ring in the new year with my siblings, niece and nephew. I noticed that Matt was quieter than usual as he sat with me that evening. Usually, neither of us can stop laughing or talking with each other when we're together, but he seemed unusually pensive. When I asked if everything was ok, he replied, "Yeah, I'm just thinking..." Little did I know what he was thinking about!

When my shift was finally over, we headed to where our cars were parked backstage at the park. Matt said that he wanted to swing by one of the park's theaters where he was scheduled to work the next day to check something out, so we made a quick detour. He disappeared inside for a moment, while I stayed outside. A few minutes later, he joined me. It was so quiet outside in the backstage area. There were no other performers, no techs, no other workers, just the two of us. "I didn't really need to check anything, I just wanted an excuse to come over here." he said. And with that, he dropped to one knee. "Will you marry me, baby?" he asked quietly.

Actually it was more like, Him: "Will you marry m-"
Me: "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!!"
He barely got the whole phrase out, when I'd accepted.

I was shaking, giddy, not knowing whether to cry or laugh. He opened up the ring box, and the most perfect, dainty, vintage engagement ring sparkled in the street lamps and the light mist that began to fall. We hugged and kissed and kissed, and then the world just started spinning for both of us as we realized "HOLY--....WE'RE ENGAGED!!!"

As we walked to our cars, passing other workers leaving for the night, I marveled at how Matt and I just had a momentous event occur - yet no one could tell just by looking at us that we'd just had a life-changing fifteen minutes.

Showing the ring to my family and friends, I thought back to the "Wedding notebook" I'd made during my early teen years - full of ideas about dresses, flowers, reception venues, music, and rings - and nothing in it came close to the ring that Matt had given me. The ring he gave me belonged to his grandmother. It's nothing that I ever thought of for myself, but I love it so much - it's PERFECT for me. Just like my guy. It has now been over a year since he gave the ring to me, and not counting the week that it took to get resized, I haven't been without my engagement ring. I still find myself admiring it often, especially in certain lighting or the Florida sunshine. It's not like the ring pictures I cut out for my wedding book when I was fourteen, but really, how crazy is that? To think that at FOURTEEN someone would know the kind of engagement ring they'd want someday. Maybe there are some people that know at a very young age, and more power to them. There's nothing wrong with making plans and having dreams for the future, but for me, clinging rigidly to those plans often got me so far from the dreams that I had and wanted so desperately to come true.

Matt was nothing like I had ever expected the man I would fall in love with to be. Yet he was everything - and more - than I'd ever dreamed of. He's my proof that life has amazing things in store for you, things greater than your dreams. But narrowly focusing on old dreams, or ones that don't quite fit anymore, or dreams that you think you "should" have (because that's what others have told you that you should want) can lead you to overlook or completely miss those amazing things that life has to offer. That nearly happened to me, but I am forever grateful that I didn't miss out on life's greatest gem.

Maybe I'm Amazed

From our first month of dating. 

One year ago today, I told one of my very good friends that I had romantic feelings for him. I guess you could say that, in the words of REO Speedwagon, I just couldn't "fight this feeling anymore." My "crush" (I hate calling it that, because I feel like it makes my feelings seem so juvenile or inconsequential, or not serious) had been building for a while - about a year and a half, actually. It finally got to the point when I was comparing every guy I went on a date with to him, so I decided - with a nudge from another friend - to tell him how I felt.
As scary as it was (what if he doesn't feel the same way I do? what if I completely ruin our friendship? what if it goes horribly wrong and my heart gets shattered again?), I knew that I had to take the risk. I just had a feeling that if he felt the way I did, and we got together that it could be REALLY great. It could either end up really badly, or be really amazing - and I just had a feeling (I'm sorry, I had to say it again) that it would be great.
I say that I knew, but I really had no idea how incredibly great it would be. Even through the first few moments of awkwardness those early days as we navigated going from friends to significant others it was still so easy. It felt like we just belonged together.
Over the past year I've learned so many things about love - things that I'd always hoped were true, but prior to now I had no experience or proof. And it has been one of the most eye-opening, mind-blowing, truly wonderful years of my life. As scary as it was to open myself up one year ago, I am forever grateful that I did, because it led me to not only my best friend, but my greatest love.


Baby, I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time.
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you. 
Baby I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time, 
Hung me on a line.
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you.

Model Behavior

I was one of those little girls who wanted to be in love since I saw my first movie musical. I couldn't wait for the day my big, strong, romantic love would take me in his arms and profess (hopefully through song) his deep feelings for me.

My mom got married when she was about 22, so I figured that I would follow in her footsteps. Although my parents met in high school, I didn't think I would find my One True Love during my years in public high school. Maybe people matured faster during the years my parents' grew up. Maybe not. In any case, I thought that I would at least have the chance to practice interacting with boys when I became a teenager by going out on dates.

When that didn't really happen (my mom had to find me a date to my Junior Prom, so sparse was the dating pool for me), I figured I'd meet my One True Love when I went to college. Since I was planning on getting married in my early 20s, I'd probably meet him during my first couple of semesters.

Or not.

Don't get me wrong, my life has been a fantastic journey, and I wouldn't trade any of it. But my "goal age" to be married came and went, and that man I'd dreamed of since I was a little girl was no where to be found.

Until about two and a half years ago.

I'm now a big believer in the saying that love comes along when you stop looking for it. Well, I don't know if I would say that I stopped looking for it altogether because there was always the hope that I'd be lucky to find someone to share my life with - hopefully sooner rather than later - I just wasn't looking for it very proactively. Especially not at work. I'd always said that I would never date a co-worker, but there was something about Matt that made me struggle with that statement for a year and a half before finally realizing that I wasn't just dating a co-worker - I was dating a dear friend and one of the best men I'd ever known. From our first interactions together, through the early months of our friendship, I knew that Matt was someone special. He was unlike any other guys I'd met before - he was the first guy I felt that I could be myself with, and he liked and accepted who I was at face value.

When we finally started dating almost a year ago, it wasn't long before I realized that he was The Real Deal - the kind of man I'd been hoping and looking for since I was little. He was even better than the man I'd imagined for myself. He was not just my best friend, my biggest supporter, and most generous partner, but my greatest love. With him, life was just better. 

Now my left hand wears the family heirloom that has been passed down to him. I may have given my heart to him long ago, but now the whole world can see that my heart belongs to him by the sparkler on my finger.

As we prepare for our life together and our wedding, our plans include the unique (Muppets wedding decorations), to the usual. A few weeks ago, we had the expected engagement photo shoot. For days and days I mulled over what to wear, scouring my closet, Google and Pinterest for ideas that would convey the mood I wanted while hiding my physical flaws. I couldn't wait until we got the proofs from the shoot - I hoped they'd look like the gorgeous shots I'd seen online of friends and strangers.

But picture after picture I found something wrong. Ohmigosh, my butt is huge in that one. Why didn't I hide my thunder thighs? Ugh, that shot shows my double chin. Hello, sausage arms. Why didn't I diet for months before? Couldn't I have made time to get a haircut? 

I felt like the pictures were something I'd looked forward to for so long, and I'd ruined most of them by.....well, by being visibly myself.

I was ready to go bed, depressed by the lack of pictures that I deemed "fit for display." And then it dawned on me: I was robbing myself of these photographs that documented the love between me and my fiance. So what if I didn't look like a supermodel? I look at these pictures and I see a couple that loves being together. I see two people who have had their trials and struggles, but have found someone who makes the good times twice as good and the bad times half as bad. I see a man who adores me as I am - "thunder-esque thighs" and all. I see a girl who is deeply in love with her very best friend. The trust and understanding and acceptance that exists between us may not be visible, and they may not be the type of perfect looking pictures that people share online. But they're us. And years from now, maybe I'll still notice my un-supermodel figure, but I hope that what I'll focus on in these pictures is the dream come true of two best friends in love with one another.

Both Sides Now

I'm blogging again! Is it the apocolypes??? No, it must be the holidays. Something about this time of year has me all contemplative. Maybe it'a because the holidays bring so many memories. Or maybe it's because the year is coming to  a close and a new year is coming to take its place. Like the old song goes, "Deep in December, it's nice to remember...." Ok, it's not December yey, but you get my point. It seems to become a time to look over the past and to look ahead to the future. It's also a time for holiday movies (note: I use the term "holiday" because that includes Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. At least it does in my mind :))

One movie that seems to have become a holiday movie is Love Actually. Although the movie takes place during Christmas, I don't really consider it a Christmas movie - to me, it's more of a chick flick - or Rom Com, whatever you want to call it. I've seen it all the way through once - I thought it was cute, but it's not  one of my favorites - and then I've caught parts of it when it's been shown on tv (and the nudity's been edited out. Yipppee!). There are definitly some parts that are pretty classic (Hugh Grant dancing to "Jump" by the Pointer Sisters, anyone??). Mainly the cast is just good in general, but there's one part that really hit me the first time I watched it, and gets me every time There's a scene where Emma
Thompson's character is listening to Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now" while she's alone in her bedroom. She's just realized that the necklace she found in her husband's coat pocket before Christmas was intended for someone else, since all she got was the CD she's listening to. Even though I don't p
articularly care a lot for the film in itself, the scene is one of the most powerful things I've seen and I chalk it up to Ms. Thompson's performance. She's crying while listening to that song, but it's not uncontrollable sobbing. In fact, her character is trying SO hard to keep it together. But as she listens to the words of the song, we can feel her heart breaking:
Bows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air,
And feather canyons everywhere.
I've looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone.
So many things I would've done
But clouds got in the way.
I've looked at clouds from bith sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all.
Moons and Junes and ferris wheels, 
The dizzy, dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes true.
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show
And you leave them laughing when you go.
And if you care, don't let them know.
Don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusion I recall
I really don't know love at all.
Tears and fears and feeling proud 
To say "I love you" right out loud.
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds.
I've looked at life that way. 
Oh but now old friends are acting strange,
They shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed.
Well, something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day.
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions that I recall.
I really don't know life at all.
I haven't been in the same circumstances as the character in the movie, and some people may scoff at Joni Mitchell's lyrics (I'm looking at you, Tom Hanks in You've Got Mail), but I can relate. There are times in life when you begin to look at the world differently than before. Situations and people change, teaching you that the more you learn, the more you realize that the world isn't so black and white - there are shades of gray. And shades of gray aren't necessarily good or bad - sometime they just are. As you look at your experiences from both sides, it can sometimes make you feel like you're a boat with no rudder (especially when life as you've known it suddenly turns upside down, and things stop being the way you always thought they'd be). But there are also times when it brings a greater appreciation and awareness for this thing called life. As unpredictable and vulnerable an experience as life is, it's such an amazingly precious gift.
Clouds may block the sun, but sometimes that brings a much needed reprieve from the scorching heat. And although you sometimes lose when it comes to love, that can make you savor the wins so much more.