Maybe I'm Amazed

From our first month of dating. 

One year ago today, I told one of my very good friends that I had romantic feelings for him. I guess you could say that, in the words of REO Speedwagon, I just couldn't "fight this feeling anymore." My "crush" (I hate calling it that, because I feel like it makes my feelings seem so juvenile or inconsequential, or not serious) had been building for a while - about a year and a half, actually. It finally got to the point when I was comparing every guy I went on a date with to him, so I decided - with a nudge from another friend - to tell him how I felt.
As scary as it was (what if he doesn't feel the same way I do? what if I completely ruin our friendship? what if it goes horribly wrong and my heart gets shattered again?), I knew that I had to take the risk. I just had a feeling that if he felt the way I did, and we got together that it could be REALLY great. It could either end up really badly, or be really amazing - and I just had a feeling (I'm sorry, I had to say it again) that it would be great.
I say that I knew, but I really had no idea how incredibly great it would be. Even through the first few moments of awkwardness those early days as we navigated going from friends to significant others it was still so easy. It felt like we just belonged together.
Over the past year I've learned so many things about love - things that I'd always hoped were true, but prior to now I had no experience or proof. And it has been one of the most eye-opening, mind-blowing, truly wonderful years of my life. As scary as it was to open myself up one year ago, I am forever grateful that I did, because it led me to not only my best friend, but my greatest love.


Baby, I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time.
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you. 
Baby I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time, 
Hung me on a line.
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you.

Model Behavior

I was one of those little girls who wanted to be in love since I saw my first movie musical. I couldn't wait for the day my big, strong, romantic love would take me in his arms and profess (hopefully through song) his deep feelings for me.

My mom got married when she was about 22, so I figured that I would follow in her footsteps. Although my parents met in high school, I didn't think I would find my One True Love during my years in public high school. Maybe people matured faster during the years my parents' grew up. Maybe not. In any case, I thought that I would at least have the chance to practice interacting with boys when I became a teenager by going out on dates.

When that didn't really happen (my mom had to find me a date to my Junior Prom, so sparse was the dating pool for me), I figured I'd meet my One True Love when I went to college. Since I was planning on getting married in my early 20s, I'd probably meet him during my first couple of semesters.

Or not.

Don't get me wrong, my life has been a fantastic journey, and I wouldn't trade any of it. But my "goal age" to be married came and went, and that man I'd dreamed of since I was a little girl was no where to be found.

Until about two and a half years ago.

I'm now a big believer in the saying that love comes along when you stop looking for it. Well, I don't know if I would say that I stopped looking for it altogether because there was always the hope that I'd be lucky to find someone to share my life with - hopefully sooner rather than later - I just wasn't looking for it very proactively. Especially not at work. I'd always said that I would never date a co-worker, but there was something about Matt that made me struggle with that statement for a year and a half before finally realizing that I wasn't just dating a co-worker - I was dating a dear friend and one of the best men I'd ever known. From our first interactions together, through the early months of our friendship, I knew that Matt was someone special. He was unlike any other guys I'd met before - he was the first guy I felt that I could be myself with, and he liked and accepted who I was at face value.

When we finally started dating almost a year ago, it wasn't long before I realized that he was The Real Deal - the kind of man I'd been hoping and looking for since I was little. He was even better than the man I'd imagined for myself. He was not just my best friend, my biggest supporter, and most generous partner, but my greatest love. With him, life was just better. 

Now my left hand wears the family heirloom that has been passed down to him. I may have given my heart to him long ago, but now the whole world can see that my heart belongs to him by the sparkler on my finger.

As we prepare for our life together and our wedding, our plans include the unique (Muppets wedding decorations), to the usual. A few weeks ago, we had the expected engagement photo shoot. For days and days I mulled over what to wear, scouring my closet, Google and Pinterest for ideas that would convey the mood I wanted while hiding my physical flaws. I couldn't wait until we got the proofs from the shoot - I hoped they'd look like the gorgeous shots I'd seen online of friends and strangers.

But picture after picture I found something wrong. Ohmigosh, my butt is huge in that one. Why didn't I hide my thunder thighs? Ugh, that shot shows my double chin. Hello, sausage arms. Why didn't I diet for months before? Couldn't I have made time to get a haircut? 

I felt like the pictures were something I'd looked forward to for so long, and I'd ruined most of them by.....well, by being visibly myself.

I was ready to go bed, depressed by the lack of pictures that I deemed "fit for display." And then it dawned on me: I was robbing myself of these photographs that documented the love between me and my fiance. So what if I didn't look like a supermodel? I look at these pictures and I see a couple that loves being together. I see two people who have had their trials and struggles, but have found someone who makes the good times twice as good and the bad times half as bad. I see a man who adores me as I am - "thunder-esque thighs" and all. I see a girl who is deeply in love with her very best friend. The trust and understanding and acceptance that exists between us may not be visible, and they may not be the type of perfect looking pictures that people share online. But they're us. And years from now, maybe I'll still notice my un-supermodel figure, but I hope that what I'll focus on in these pictures is the dream come true of two best friends in love with one another.

Both Sides Now

I'm blogging again! Is it the apocolypes??? No, it must be the holidays. Something about this time of year has me all contemplative. Maybe it'a because the holidays bring so many memories. Or maybe it's because the year is coming to  a close and a new year is coming to take its place. Like the old song goes, "Deep in December, it's nice to remember...." Ok, it's not December yey, but you get my point. It seems to become a time to look over the past and to look ahead to the future. It's also a time for holiday movies (note: I use the term "holiday" because that includes Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. At least it does in my mind :))

One movie that seems to have become a holiday movie is Love Actually. Although the movie takes place during Christmas, I don't really consider it a Christmas movie - to me, it's more of a chick flick - or Rom Com, whatever you want to call it. I've seen it all the way through once - I thought it was cute, but it's not  one of my favorites - and then I've caught parts of it when it's been shown on tv (and the nudity's been edited out. Yipppee!). There are definitly some parts that are pretty classic (Hugh Grant dancing to "Jump" by the Pointer Sisters, anyone??). Mainly the cast is just good in general, but there's one part that really hit me the first time I watched it, and gets me every time There's a scene where Emma
Thompson's character is listening to Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now" while she's alone in her bedroom. She's just realized that the necklace she found in her husband's coat pocket before Christmas was intended for someone else, since all she got was the CD she's listening to. Even though I don't p
articularly care a lot for the film in itself, the scene is one of the most powerful things I've seen and I chalk it up to Ms. Thompson's performance. She's crying while listening to that song, but it's not uncontrollable sobbing. In fact, her character is trying SO hard to keep it together. But as she listens to the words of the song, we can feel her heart breaking:
Bows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air,
And feather canyons everywhere.
I've looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone.
So many things I would've done
But clouds got in the way.
I've looked at clouds from bith sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all.
Moons and Junes and ferris wheels, 
The dizzy, dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes true.
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show
And you leave them laughing when you go.
And if you care, don't let them know.
Don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusion I recall
I really don't know love at all.
Tears and fears and feeling proud 
To say "I love you" right out loud.
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds.
I've looked at life that way. 
Oh but now old friends are acting strange,
They shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed.
Well, something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day.
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions that I recall.
I really don't know life at all.
I haven't been in the same circumstances as the character in the movie, and some people may scoff at Joni Mitchell's lyrics (I'm looking at you, Tom Hanks in You've Got Mail), but I can relate. There are times in life when you begin to look at the world differently than before. Situations and people change, teaching you that the more you learn, the more you realize that the world isn't so black and white - there are shades of gray. And shades of gray aren't necessarily good or bad - sometime they just are. As you look at your experiences from both sides, it can sometimes make you feel like you're a boat with no rudder (especially when life as you've known it suddenly turns upside down, and things stop being the way you always thought they'd be). But there are also times when it brings a greater appreciation and awareness for this thing called life. As unpredictable and vulnerable an experience as life is, it's such an amazingly precious gift.
Clouds may block the sun, but sometimes that brings a much needed reprieve from the scorching heat. And although you sometimes lose when it comes to love, that can make you savor the wins so much more.

Worth Fighting For

It's only been a few hours, and my Facebook feed is blowing up with news of the tragedy in Boston today. It's horrific, disheartening, and downright scary -- as one of my friends posted, "seriously, wtf is wrong with people??" What kind of a world do we live in where people choose the Boston Marathon - a positive, triumphant event and turn it into a target for death and destruction? As time goes on, and as I get older, I realize the less I know and understand. I echo the Book of Mormon prophet Nephi, "I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

When tragedies like the one in Boston occur, it makes me want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers. Or find a cave somewhere. Or maybe if I push past the clothes in my overstuffed closet, I'll come out the other side into a magical land where everything is ok. But that's the thing about this journey that we're on called life - there's only one way to do it, and that's "all in." Sure, we can disengage or withdraw as much as we can, but as much as we try to avoid them, bad things happen - and are going to happen. It's just the nature of the beast. With this fact in mind, it can be easy to sink in despair, or to hide under the aforementioned covers....it's a scary world, after all. But I can't help but think of Samwise's speech from the end of "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" --

Near the end of the movie, after many battles, a world-weary and battle-fatigued Frodo is having a hard time seeing how their journey can possibly end well, and he tells his friend Sam that he just can't do it anymore. His friend responds --

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo...and it's worth fighting for.

Despite the tragedies in this world, I believe that there is still some good in the world - a lot of it, actually. I see it in the people around me each day.

My heart and prayers are with the people and city of Boston today, and also with those who have close ties to Boston. And my heart and prayers go out to everyone else in the world -- because after all, we are all connected merely because we're all human beings together on this planet, and this affects us all. And if you feel like hiding out in your bed for a while, I echo what Sam said - keep going, keep holding on, and keep being the good that is worth fighting for in this world.

Obsessed

There's a new man in my life. Here he is:

My 1st nephew, Red Hudson

This week, I became an auntie to the most perfect little boy. Granted, it isn't any surprise what a perfect little man he is, since he has such amazing genes (his big sister is living proof of these). Red Hudson entered the world early on the morning of the 9th, stealing away the other half of my heart that his sister stole almost two years ago. (For an incredibly moving story behind the meaning of his name, check out his mama's blog. Not only does his name include an amazingly beautiful heritage, but I also think he sounds like one of those classic leading men from Hollywood's Golden Age :).)

I am so blessed to be the aunt of such a precious, heavenly little bundle. I can't wait to hold him and kiss those chubby cheeks. Even though I haven't even met him yet, I feel such an overwhelming urge to protect him - I can't bare to think of anything bad happening to him or his big sister. Yet I know that life has it's share of trials and disappointments. But no matter what happens in life, I will always be there for this little man - and just like I promised his sister, I will always have gum. :)

I love you, Red!!!!

My Bean!!!!

There are few people that I consider to be ideal roommates. One of them is this individual:

Ok, so that picture is a couple of years old...well, about 20 years old. I should probably use this one instead:

Early this morning, my littlest sis flew up to the Northeast to finish up her last semester of college. This past week was her spring break, and since the rest of us lame-o adults had to work, she spent most of her break on an air mattress at my new apartment (which slowly deflated around 3:30-4am each morning, leaving her sleeping on a layer of plastic on my bedroom floor). This girl is a trooper.

And I've got to say it, just having her there made my days so much better.

Most people may know her for her ridiculously awesome talent (see the video below)


Or her awesome wit and sense of humor

What others may not know is she is also one of the sweetest, most patient people on the planet.
She has certainly put up with a lot from me, especially over the last few years since I moved back home. Now she had to share a car, which entailed juggling schedules, and being super flexible as we tried to make both of our work schedules mesh. (And most of the time they didn't.) I lost track of how many days she had to either go in early or wait long after her shift was over because our work schedules couldn't BE more opposite.

But as difficult as the past few years may have been, I am so grateful for the time we had together during her breaks from college. I was lucky to have lived with my other little sister when we were at college together, and it was such a fun bonding experience, I really wanted an experience like that with my littlest sister so that we could also form our own memories together. Having my littlest sister be my "roommate" (even if it was just at our house, or my apartment, or a certain bug-infested hovel that shall remain nameless...), has just proved to me what I learned years ago: my sisters are my favorite roommates of all time, and my best friends.

It's hard to believe she's on her last leg of her undergrad studies. It seems like only yesterday it was her winter break...and she was talking me down when I got stressed out and had a meltdown in the car due to very long weeks of dreaming along with a bunch of characters...trying to cheer me up with a grape Mello Yellow Zero (don't knock it 'til you've tried it!), and making me laugh with her re-enactments of SNL sketches or John Mulaney bits.

She always has a way to make me smile and cheer me up, especially when I'm feeling at my lowest. She is a listening ear and compassionate shoulder to lean on. She has wisdom and insight that is rare to find in someone as young as she is, and it seems that I'm usually the one going to her for advice. :) She can make an ordinary day feel like a day out of a super fun vacation. Not only is she beautiful outside and in, but she makes the world a more beautiful place with her smiles, laughter, and bright-sunny-you-have-to-believe spirit.

I am so very very blessed to have her as one of my very best friends (cue Disney song). I can't wait for the fun times ahead. I love you, Schmoopsie!! And I miss you.

Ordinary greatness & remembering Grandpa

An all-day all-night headache, plus having to get up for work at 4:30am doesn't leave a lot of time for sleeping...but it leaves lots of time for thinking. With the annoyingly persistent throbbing of my head, and the fear of sleeping through my alarm and missing my shift (as I thought I had done yesterday morning until I realized that I had my schedule wrong and my early morning shift is actually THIS morning. I tell you, nothing gets you shaking in your jammies faster than the thought of "I am an HOUR LATE FOR WORK!!!"), it's hard to divert my thoughts. But in the wee small hours of the morning, amidst the pain & anxiety, my mind eventually made it's way to a more pleasant, yet bittersweet thought. 

Today, December 7th, would have been my Grandpa Red's 93rd birthday. He passed away suddenly about seven years ago, and while I miss him throughout the year, it is always at the holiday time that I miss him especially.

Recently, I've been obsessing over reading the works of Brene Brown, and one of the topics she writes about is "Celebrating the Ordinary and Uncool." In her book, "I Thought It Was Just Me," Dr. Brown writes, 

"In our culture, the fear and shame of being ordinary is very real...We seem to measure the value of people's contributions (and sometimes their entire lives) by their level of public recognition. In other words, worth is measured by fame and fortune.
"Our culture is quick to dismiss quiet, ordinary, hardworking men and women. In many instances, we equate ordinary with boring or, even more dangerous, ordinary has become synonymous with meaningless."

My grandfather was proof that an "ordinary" life is NOT boring, and definitely NOT meaningless. In his quiet way, he taught me what's most important in life, and what is the most meaningful. Yet in the world's measure of greatness by how many recognitions, awards, and "Likes" we get on Facebook, my grandfather wouldn't have made the cut.  If he were alive today, how many "Likes" would my grandpa's posts have gotten on Facebook? Probably not very many (assuming he could figure out how to navigate Facebook. He had to have my dad come to "color code" how to use a CD player - which I think is totally fine, btw). However my grandpa was one of the greatest men I'll ever know.

As I think back over all of the simple, ordinary memories I have with him, they are among the ones that mean the most to me in my life: 

• Taking me shopping for Christmases and birthdays. No matter how old I got, he would always ask me if I wanted to go shopping to pick out my gifts. And he was so patient as I meandered from store to store. It is a very patient man that will not only go shopping with a woman, but suggest they go shopping. Our shopping trips would always include a lunch date, too. The lunches were never fancy, but to this day, our dates to McDonald's and Friendly's go down in history as some of my favorite dining-out memories.

• Greeting cards. During one of our shopping trips, I remember stopping in a greeting card shop so that he could pick out a card for someone. We must've spent half an hour and he intently searched, read and deliberated over a card that expressed exactly what was in his heart. Throughout my life I had received dozens of cards from him, and the only thing he ever wrote in them was "Love, Grandpa" with lots of X's and O's. But that day in the card shop I realized that the words provided by the greeting card company weren't just generic words to my grandfather - they were exactly what he wanted to express. After he died,  I remember looking through a scrapbook of all of the cards he'd given to my grandmother - from their courtship, throughout their marriage. Cards that were faded and wearing with age, however to look through them and re-read them was to witness their timeless love.

• Laughing at "Home Alone." No matter how many times he watched it, Grandpa would laugh so hard at the slapstick humor. Every time I watch it, I am reminded of him (and the joy from the simple humor of watching someone get a paint can in the face).

• The Baby Whisperer. My grandfather loved babies - he loved to hold them and walk with them. I think he's the source of the "Baby Whisperer" genes that occasionally show up in my family. Something about the way he walked them would calm them and put them to sleep. Seeing how loving my grandpa was with babies made me wish that I was a 19 year old bride - just so that my babies could've been walked to sleep by him. 

Just so many warm memories....spending time with him after my parents separated, watching him tearfully kiss my grandmother's forehead to say goodbye when she passed away, witnessing how much he loved family and loved life.

My grandfather was one of those people that I knew loved me just because. Not for anything I did or earned, but just because I was his granddaughter. I never had to accomplish any great feat to earn his love - no matter what, I knew that he loved me and was proud of me, as he was of all of his grandchildren and his family. 

Since it's Christmastime, the Muppet Christmas Carol is in my head and playing on my iPod (as usual). One of the songs in the film include these lyrics: 

The love we found we carry with us, so we're never quite alone.

Whenever life gets me down, or feels like it's at its darkest, my grandfather's love is something that I carry with me, helping me to feel that I'm not alone. 

There's another song from that movie that goes, "and if you need to know the measure of a man, you simply count his friends." I don't think the lyrics are referring to the "Friends" on Facebook or in your Google Plus circles, or your networks on Linkedin. It's not people that you haven't spoken to in years, but true friends - people who know the real you, and love and respect you for it. And these "friends" can include those you're related to - your family. By this standard, my grandfather was one of the greatest men I'll ever know. His sweet, meaningful, ordinary life is one that I hope to emulate, that I can leave as loving a legacy as he has left behind.

Happy birthday, Grandpa. I miss you.