Crabby

Feeling 33

I've been trying to focus on being more positive these days leading up to my birthday, as one of the things I wanted to hopefully gain out of "Feeling 33" was to become a little bit better. Yet of course, today feels like I've morphed into the forgotten eight dwarf, Crabby. Before I can stop them, the nastiest replies have slipped from my mouth...my filter is gone - the one that reminds you, "you can't say that out loud." And I'm "throwing so much shade" it's like I'm a celebrity at an awards event.

Unfortunately, feeling like Grumpy's long lost cousin makes me feel less like reading uplifting books, learning new skills, or being creative, and more like sitting in a corner, sulking, because I don't have any peanut M&M's in which to drown my sorrows/annoyances/petty frustrations. So, there goes my project on "working on myself"...

That's how my mind tends to work - black or white, all or nothing. At one time it served its purpose and helped me cope, but it's not a very fun way of living anymore. I suppose this day of crabbiness (hopefully it's only a day...) is a good reminder that I am human. Perfection doesn't exist in the sense that I'm never not going to have bad days. I'm going to make mistakes, be in bad moods, and take more than a few steps backwards every time I make progress. It's all part of this journey of life. Thirty-three years I've been with myself, and I'm still learning how to accept myself, "wrinkles and all."

My sister-in-law has the most amazing blog, and in her post for the New Year she talked about how we now live in a very Instagram world - you know, where everything is perfectly filtered even when there's #nofilter? And for many of us (although we feel like the minority), we definitely don't have our lives as together as it appears that other people do. But as messy and imperfect as real life is, there's also something so wonderful about how perfectly imperfect it is. It's all a part of the same system - "can't appreciate light without the darkness", "ships in the harbor are safe, but that's not what ships are built for", "trees that have to fight the elements grown up stronger", all of that stuff people tell us. It's true - it's true and it sucks, but it's also great.

There's a great part in the film "Silver Linings Playbook" when Jennifer Lawrence's character talks about her past and her flaws. She says, "There will always be a part of me that is sloppy and dirty, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive."

So, although I didn't add "be more accepting and kind towards myself" to my list of ideas for Feeling 33, it squeezed its way into my life on its own. I'm human. I make mistakes. I have bad days, weeks, months. But I can forgive myself when I mess up, and keep trying.

Feeling 33

It's now 33 days until my birthday, and honestly, I've been a little apprehensive about that number. Although I know that age is only a number, this number in particular seems more fit for mothers of three or two children; or women who have made significant progress in their careers, or have accumulated multiple degrees. And then there's me - a childless newlywed who's still growing in her profession. Since accepting myself and "owning my story" are two of the things I've been working on, I've decided to take these days leading up to my birthday to find ways to not only recognize who I am, but to celebrate life. I'm calling this little endeavor "Feeling 33" (like the line in the Taylor Swift song - or "Tay Tay" as my husband calls her -  "I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22").
Let project Feeling 33 commence!

Model Behavior

I was one of those little girls who wanted to be in love since I saw my first movie musical. I couldn't wait for the day my big, strong, romantic love would take me in his arms and profess (hopefully through song) his deep feelings for me.

My mom got married when she was about 22, so I figured that I would follow in her footsteps. Although my parents met in high school, I didn't think I would find my One True Love during my years in public high school. Maybe people matured faster during the years my parents' grew up. Maybe not. In any case, I thought that I would at least have the chance to practice interacting with boys when I became a teenager by going out on dates.

When that didn't really happen (my mom had to find me a date to my Junior Prom, so sparse was the dating pool for me), I figured I'd meet my One True Love when I went to college. Since I was planning on getting married in my early 20s, I'd probably meet him during my first couple of semesters.

Or not.

Don't get me wrong, my life has been a fantastic journey, and I wouldn't trade any of it. But my "goal age" to be married came and went, and that man I'd dreamed of since I was a little girl was no where to be found.

Until about two and a half years ago.

I'm now a big believer in the saying that love comes along when you stop looking for it. Well, I don't know if I would say that I stopped looking for it altogether because there was always the hope that I'd be lucky to find someone to share my life with - hopefully sooner rather than later - I just wasn't looking for it very proactively. Especially not at work. I'd always said that I would never date a co-worker, but there was something about Matt that made me struggle with that statement for a year and a half before finally realizing that I wasn't just dating a co-worker - I was dating a dear friend and one of the best men I'd ever known. From our first interactions together, through the early months of our friendship, I knew that Matt was someone special. He was unlike any other guys I'd met before - he was the first guy I felt that I could be myself with, and he liked and accepted who I was at face value.

When we finally started dating almost a year ago, it wasn't long before I realized that he was The Real Deal - the kind of man I'd been hoping and looking for since I was little. He was even better than the man I'd imagined for myself. He was not just my best friend, my biggest supporter, and most generous partner, but my greatest love. With him, life was just better. 

Now my left hand wears the family heirloom that has been passed down to him. I may have given my heart to him long ago, but now the whole world can see that my heart belongs to him by the sparkler on my finger.

As we prepare for our life together and our wedding, our plans include the unique (Muppets wedding decorations), to the usual. A few weeks ago, we had the expected engagement photo shoot. For days and days I mulled over what to wear, scouring my closet, Google and Pinterest for ideas that would convey the mood I wanted while hiding my physical flaws. I couldn't wait until we got the proofs from the shoot - I hoped they'd look like the gorgeous shots I'd seen online of friends and strangers.

But picture after picture I found something wrong. Ohmigosh, my butt is huge in that one. Why didn't I hide my thunder thighs? Ugh, that shot shows my double chin. Hello, sausage arms. Why didn't I diet for months before? Couldn't I have made time to get a haircut? 

I felt like the pictures were something I'd looked forward to for so long, and I'd ruined most of them by.....well, by being visibly myself.

I was ready to go bed, depressed by the lack of pictures that I deemed "fit for display." And then it dawned on me: I was robbing myself of these photographs that documented the love between me and my fiance. So what if I didn't look like a supermodel? I look at these pictures and I see a couple that loves being together. I see two people who have had their trials and struggles, but have found someone who makes the good times twice as good and the bad times half as bad. I see a man who adores me as I am - "thunder-esque thighs" and all. I see a girl who is deeply in love with her very best friend. The trust and understanding and acceptance that exists between us may not be visible, and they may not be the type of perfect looking pictures that people share online. But they're us. And years from now, maybe I'll still notice my un-supermodel figure, but I hope that what I'll focus on in these pictures is the dream come true of two best friends in love with one another.