Recently, my mom got a stack of books out of the library all about finding a man. "Why Men Marry Certain Women and Not Others," "Getting the Love You Want," stuff like that. Let me tell you, dating is a weird and wacky thing by itself - but it's even weirder when your parents are divorced and mom and pop are out there dating other people, too. I have a hard time with those dating books. Sometimes I feel like they make me MORE nervous/neurotic/awkward because instead of just
being myself around guys, I get all stressed trying to remember all of the "tips and tricks" listed in these "helpful" books.
I did read
some from one of the books she got - "
Women Have All the Power....Too Bad They Don't Know It." In the book that the author, Michael J. Lockwood, wrote specifically for his teenage daughters, he gives a lot of advice - much of it common sense, in my opinion - and speaks from the male point of view. While I only got 1/3 of the way through it (it made me anxious trying to remember all the ways to properly use my "power"), one of the things he said really stuck with me, so I made a note of it on my phone. In one chapter he wrote, "better alone than poorly accompanied." And that really hit me.
I wasn't the kind of girl that did a lot of dating in high school. Actually, I did almost
no dating in high school. I think I can count on one hand the amount of dates I went on before I went to college (and not much changed when I got there, either). And for a girl that grew up eating and drinking movie musicals (where life doesn't really begin until you've got a gorgeous baritone chasing your down), life was pretty lonely as opportunities to date seemed to get lost in the mail.
In the years that have followed, I've had opportunities to date. Sometimes it's quality, sometimes just quantity (as in, "well, at least I have a date...."). And I fully understand that a girl has to date a lot of frogs before she finds her prince. But lately I've begun to understand what the author meant when he stressed, "better alone than poorly accompanied." There are times when it's definitely better (and more enjoyable, I might add) to be by yourself than out with a man. Especially if he makes you feel like you're less than you are.
I wish this concept had sunk in when I was 19. Or 22. Or 27. I may have been able to spare myself some frustration and heartache. Or maybe the true way to reach this conclusion is by going on all those awful dates and being in the bad relationships, so that you eventually (sooner, rather than later!) come to realize, "hey,
I'm not bad company, but
this guy is."
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving a date the benefit of the doubt (as I'd want him to give to me), and focusing on a guy's strengths rather than dwelling on his weaknesses. I sometimes feel like my whole life is one big awkward moment, so I'm totally up for cutting a guy some slack. But there are certain traits that I feel fall under the "poorly accompanied" category - if he belittles you, manipulates you, uses you, disrespects you, criticizes you, or abuses you in any way. In any of these cases, I feel that there is nothing shameful about staying home with the TV and a bowl of ice cream - or going shopping - or going to the gym - or getting groceries - or organizing your closet - or paying bills - or "dancing it out" in your living room - or taking a bubble bath - or doing anything that you enjoy, a healthy activity that makes you feel good - instead of going out on a date with a less than desirable lad.
The world is really good at telling us what makes us successful, and what gives us worth. It even sometimes tells us that if we aren't going out on a lot of dates, or in a relationship, or being pursued by members of the opposite sex 24/7, then we are L-O-S-E-R-S. But I've seen a lot of unhappy people who date quite a bit, or are in a relationship. I've been there myself. I've felt so lonely that I figure any guy is better than no guy. But you know those things they tell you you'll learn as you get older? Well, one of them is realizing that you're pretty darn great just the way you are, even if you're all on your own.
I never watched "Sex and the City," but thanks to
Pinterest, I've found a lot of great quotes, including this one from that show --
"...the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have is with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
So, don't worry -- the Right One will come along. And he'll be worth waiting for. And we'll probably have to go on a lot more dates until we find him. But until then, don't overlook or sacrifice the amazingness that you are just to be with somebody. Remember, better alone than poorly accompanied.
