Both Sides Now

I'm blogging again! Is it the apocolypes??? No, it must be the holidays. Something about this time of year has me all contemplative. Maybe it'a because the holidays bring so many memories. Or maybe it's because the year is coming to  a close and a new year is coming to take its place. Like the old song goes, "Deep in December, it's nice to remember...." Ok, it's not December yey, but you get my point. It seems to become a time to look over the past and to look ahead to the future. It's also a time for holiday movies (note: I use the term "holiday" because that includes Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. At least it does in my mind :))

One movie that seems to have become a holiday movie is Love Actually. Although the movie takes place during Christmas, I don't really consider it a Christmas movie - to me, it's more of a chick flick - or Rom Com, whatever you want to call it. I've seen it all the way through once - I thought it was cute, but it's not  one of my favorites - and then I've caught parts of it when it's been shown on tv (and the nudity's been edited out. Yipppee!). There are definitly some parts that are pretty classic (Hugh Grant dancing to "Jump" by the Pointer Sisters, anyone??). Mainly the cast is just good in general, but there's one part that really hit me the first time I watched it, and gets me every time There's a scene where Emma
Thompson's character is listening to Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now" while she's alone in her bedroom. She's just realized that the necklace she found in her husband's coat pocket before Christmas was intended for someone else, since all she got was the CD she's listening to. Even though I don't p
articularly care a lot for the film in itself, the scene is one of the most powerful things I've seen and I chalk it up to Ms. Thompson's performance. She's crying while listening to that song, but it's not uncontrollable sobbing. In fact, her character is trying SO hard to keep it together. But as she listens to the words of the song, we can feel her heart breaking:
Bows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air,
And feather canyons everywhere.
I've looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone.
So many things I would've done
But clouds got in the way.
I've looked at clouds from bith sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all.
Moons and Junes and ferris wheels, 
The dizzy, dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes true.
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show
And you leave them laughing when you go.
And if you care, don't let them know.
Don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusion I recall
I really don't know love at all.
Tears and fears and feeling proud 
To say "I love you" right out loud.
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds.
I've looked at life that way. 
Oh but now old friends are acting strange,
They shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed.
Well, something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day.
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions that I recall.
I really don't know life at all.
I haven't been in the same circumstances as the character in the movie, and some people may scoff at Joni Mitchell's lyrics (I'm looking at you, Tom Hanks in You've Got Mail), but I can relate. There are times in life when you begin to look at the world differently than before. Situations and people change, teaching you that the more you learn, the more you realize that the world isn't so black and white - there are shades of gray. And shades of gray aren't necessarily good or bad - sometime they just are. As you look at your experiences from both sides, it can sometimes make you feel like you're a boat with no rudder (especially when life as you've known it suddenly turns upside down, and things stop being the way you always thought they'd be). But there are also times when it brings a greater appreciation and awareness for this thing called life. As unpredictable and vulnerable an experience as life is, it's such an amazingly precious gift.
Clouds may block the sun, but sometimes that brings a much needed reprieve from the scorching heat. And although you sometimes lose when it comes to love, that can make you savor the wins so much more.

Worth Fighting For

It's only been a few hours, and my Facebook feed is blowing up with news of the tragedy in Boston today. It's horrific, disheartening, and downright scary -- as one of my friends posted, "seriously, wtf is wrong with people??" What kind of a world do we live in where people choose the Boston Marathon - a positive, triumphant event and turn it into a target for death and destruction? As time goes on, and as I get older, I realize the less I know and understand. I echo the Book of Mormon prophet Nephi, "I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

When tragedies like the one in Boston occur, it makes me want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers. Or find a cave somewhere. Or maybe if I push past the clothes in my overstuffed closet, I'll come out the other side into a magical land where everything is ok. But that's the thing about this journey that we're on called life - there's only one way to do it, and that's "all in." Sure, we can disengage or withdraw as much as we can, but as much as we try to avoid them, bad things happen - and are going to happen. It's just the nature of the beast. With this fact in mind, it can be easy to sink in despair, or to hide under the aforementioned covers....it's a scary world, after all. But I can't help but think of Samwise's speech from the end of "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" --

Near the end of the movie, after many battles, a world-weary and battle-fatigued Frodo is having a hard time seeing how their journey can possibly end well, and he tells his friend Sam that he just can't do it anymore. His friend responds --

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo...and it's worth fighting for.

Despite the tragedies in this world, I believe that there is still some good in the world - a lot of it, actually. I see it in the people around me each day.

My heart and prayers are with the people and city of Boston today, and also with those who have close ties to Boston. And my heart and prayers go out to everyone else in the world -- because after all, we are all connected merely because we're all human beings together on this planet, and this affects us all. And if you feel like hiding out in your bed for a while, I echo what Sam said - keep going, keep holding on, and keep being the good that is worth fighting for in this world.

Obsessed

There's a new man in my life. Here he is:

My 1st nephew, Red Hudson

This week, I became an auntie to the most perfect little boy. Granted, it isn't any surprise what a perfect little man he is, since he has such amazing genes (his big sister is living proof of these). Red Hudson entered the world early on the morning of the 9th, stealing away the other half of my heart that his sister stole almost two years ago. (For an incredibly moving story behind the meaning of his name, check out his mama's blog. Not only does his name include an amazingly beautiful heritage, but I also think he sounds like one of those classic leading men from Hollywood's Golden Age :).)

I am so blessed to be the aunt of such a precious, heavenly little bundle. I can't wait to hold him and kiss those chubby cheeks. Even though I haven't even met him yet, I feel such an overwhelming urge to protect him - I can't bare to think of anything bad happening to him or his big sister. Yet I know that life has it's share of trials and disappointments. But no matter what happens in life, I will always be there for this little man - and just like I promised his sister, I will always have gum. :)

I love you, Red!!!!

My Bean!!!!

There are few people that I consider to be ideal roommates. One of them is this individual:

Ok, so that picture is a couple of years old...well, about 20 years old. I should probably use this one instead:

Early this morning, my littlest sis flew up to the Northeast to finish up her last semester of college. This past week was her spring break, and since the rest of us lame-o adults had to work, she spent most of her break on an air mattress at my new apartment (which slowly deflated around 3:30-4am each morning, leaving her sleeping on a layer of plastic on my bedroom floor). This girl is a trooper.

And I've got to say it, just having her there made my days so much better.

Most people may know her for her ridiculously awesome talent (see the video below)


Or her awesome wit and sense of humor

What others may not know is she is also one of the sweetest, most patient people on the planet.
She has certainly put up with a lot from me, especially over the last few years since I moved back home. Now she had to share a car, which entailed juggling schedules, and being super flexible as we tried to make both of our work schedules mesh. (And most of the time they didn't.) I lost track of how many days she had to either go in early or wait long after her shift was over because our work schedules couldn't BE more opposite.

But as difficult as the past few years may have been, I am so grateful for the time we had together during her breaks from college. I was lucky to have lived with my other little sister when we were at college together, and it was such a fun bonding experience, I really wanted an experience like that with my littlest sister so that we could also form our own memories together. Having my littlest sister be my "roommate" (even if it was just at our house, or my apartment, or a certain bug-infested hovel that shall remain nameless...), has just proved to me what I learned years ago: my sisters are my favorite roommates of all time, and my best friends.

It's hard to believe she's on her last leg of her undergrad studies. It seems like only yesterday it was her winter break...and she was talking me down when I got stressed out and had a meltdown in the car due to very long weeks of dreaming along with a bunch of characters...trying to cheer me up with a grape Mello Yellow Zero (don't knock it 'til you've tried it!), and making me laugh with her re-enactments of SNL sketches or John Mulaney bits.

She always has a way to make me smile and cheer me up, especially when I'm feeling at my lowest. She is a listening ear and compassionate shoulder to lean on. She has wisdom and insight that is rare to find in someone as young as she is, and it seems that I'm usually the one going to her for advice. :) She can make an ordinary day feel like a day out of a super fun vacation. Not only is she beautiful outside and in, but she makes the world a more beautiful place with her smiles, laughter, and bright-sunny-you-have-to-believe spirit.

I am so very very blessed to have her as one of my very best friends (cue Disney song). I can't wait for the fun times ahead. I love you, Schmoopsie!! And I miss you.